Who Am I?

So it is 2:14 a.m. and I can't sleep. Quin woke up screaming and I went in to comfort him from what appears to be a bad dream. As I rocked him for the past half hour my mind has been racing with self deprecating thoughts. I just spent that past four days with the Young Women in our ward at girls camp. Trying to build them up and strengthen them. Why is it I can't seem to listen to my own advise and words of wisdom. Why don't I see myself always as a beautiful Daughter of God? What's the saying? "God doesn't make junk." Or whatever that is. Do I think of myself as junk? No. But I struggle with my potential that I know that I am not living up to.

Why do I put unrealistic expectations on myself? Maybe because I don't feel they are unrealistic. Maybe I feel like I should be awesome at everything. I am always saying that I want to take my little family and go live in the mountains. See if I did that then I would not only be protecting my children from all the worldly and outside influences of the world, but I would also be protecting myself. The need to "keep up" or compete would no longer be there. And when I say "keep up", it really has nothing to do with money or possessions.

I am sure there is a very hormonal background to my feelings right now. Not to mention it is 2 a.m. But I can't help but feel disappointed and upset with who I am right now. I want to be more!

One of my problems is that I am a blog stalker. I really don't stalk near as much as it may sound. But there are a few blogs out there of complete strangers, or friends of friends that I stalk. This was one of the reasons that I was not going to start a blog. Because I never wanted anyone to read or look at my blog and think that they don't measure up. I am not saying that because I think everyone would be envious of me. I say that because I was and still am envious of so many others! I look at things I should be doing or at least think I should be doing. I see beautiful women serving their families in ways I wish I could serve mine better. I see children who look happy and have probably never been yelled at. I see vacations, family gatherings, and traditions that I feel like I should be providing my family. I read about all their accomplishments and triumphs. This does not help me feel like the person I want to be. Isn't it interesting that the blogs that make me envious are the ones of people that I don't know. That the blogs of my friends just make me feel happy for them. I am not sure what this means but it is interesting.

I am also a neat freak. Although you would not be able to tell if you were to look at my house, car, yard, and garage. I can't seem to keep everything in order. Why do I find pleasure when I walk into someone else's home and see messes all over their counter tops and dust on their bathroom baseboards? That is terrible!! But actually it would make me feel a little better. Because right now, most of the homes I do go in are near perfection. Maybe I should get new friends. That might make me feel better! I don't want to be the woman who fusses about what her house looks like while in the meantime her kids are growing up and leaving the house. Why can't I have both???

I feel like I am a little selfish as well. Sometimes I am not a good sharer. And sometimes I am not very good at giving someone the benefit of the doubt. Why can't my heart be more giving and selfless. I really would do anything for people that needed me, but sometimes I feel like I should get something in return. I try so hard not to. But there is a little part of me that keeps score. Not always!! But sometimes and with certain people. That is bad!!

I also want to be the mom that cherishes every moment of my children's life. I feel this HUGE sense of urgency right now. I feel like they will be gone in no time and I am running out of time to fill them with all that they need to be filled with. I am running out of time to sit and read with them, play games, color with them, and just talk with them individually. I feel like I am always engaged in something else rather then them. And they aren't going to be around forever!

I also don't want to be what I fear others may think of me. I had someone very close to me say in a public setting to "not tell Julie secrets because she can't keep them". I laughed and joked after that comment because I know it wasn't meant to hurt me. But man did it hurt. Funny thing is I can't remember ever spilling a secret of hers. I know that I have spilled some in my day, but they were completely accidental and not very "secretive" secrets. So she is right to an extent. But I feel terrible that that is what people think of me. I thought that was one of the few things I was good at. I thought I was always a great person to talk to because I was always so loyal and trustworthy. I guess not. I have had some other experiences lately that make me realize that I am, deep deep down, not who I want to be. No murderous thoughts or anything like that. But just not who I want to be.

I also wish that I could have dinner on the table every night at 6. That my children were all in piano lessons. I wish I could exercise 5 days a week and have results to show for it. I wish I could volunteer at the school every week for an hour each kid. I wish I could prepare brilliant Sharing Times for Primary. I wish that I had time to iron clothes, organize closets, and sell things on Craigs list or ebay. I wish I could organize family reunions for both sides of our families. I wish, I wish, I wish. Will it end? And why is it giving me such anxiety?

I want to be more than what I am right now. I know I have so much more potential so why am I not living up to it. Or even getting close. I don't feel like my bar is too high. I feel like it is where everyone else's bar is. Or maybe where I think everyone's bar is. Truth is I KNOW I am capable of better work here on this earth. I am just not sure how I am going to do it. I am not looking to be little miss perfect. But I do want to be more. I would feel so much better if everyone that read this would comment and tell me what huge failures they are. But guess what I would NEVER believe you!! So please don't. This is truly an internal problem that I feel if I put out there in cyber world, and in my journal, it will help me fix my thoughts of not being able to "keep up" . There are so many inspiring women out there doing such inspiring things. I wish I was one of them. Hopefully in a week the hormones will settle and I will feel like the woman I am supposed to feel like. But for now, I am going to continue to figure out who I am and who I want to become without feeling sad about it.